Ingrid Mathieu

What is your gut telling you?

"To thine own self be true" is one of the underlying tenets of recovery. But how do we honor this wise sentiment by Shakespeare? One way is to check in with the "me" that I'm trying to be true to. Checking in can involve slowing down, writing, meditating, and noticing what we are experiencing rather than running on autopilot. Checking in tends to involve tuning in to our body or to our "higher self," rather than tuning in to our "monkey mind" (the running commentary that we are telling ourselves.) It is a subtle distinction, but let's take this moment to see if we can tap into the difference. For the next 10 seconds, turn your attention to what your head is telling you ...

What did you hear?

Now, let go of whatever you heard and without trying to figure anything out, turn your attention to your body. Perhaps you'll do a quick body scan to see if any place in particular would like your attention, or one spot will automatically engage you. Just rest your attention on your physical self.

What did you notice?

For most people, the two tend to be very different experiences. For example, I just did this exercise and noticed that my head was telling me about the TV in the background, thinking that I'm hungry, wanting to get back to writing this post, etc. But when I checked in with my body, I could feel some anxiety in my belly, some tension in my shoulders, and a longing to slow down and breathe.

If I stayed attending to my head, I could run myself ragged working through a to-do list all day. When I checked in with my body, I realized that I could actually use a breather. In this case, I believe that "honoring myself" means leaning towards the latter. The more we practice checking in, the wiser we become about discerning what is happening and how we can best take care of ourselves.

In terms of checking in with your physical self, did you know that the gut is literally your second brain? The intricate network of millions of neurons lining our guts greatly influences our mood and our thinking. The second brain doesn't do much for articulating conscious thought, but it is particularly adept at feeling. This is where the saying "butterflies in the stomach" comes from. For some of us, we need to listen to our gut more often. We sometimes ignore what it is saying because it isn't telling us what we want to hear. But the upside is that when we check in, we gain more opportunity to be true to ourselves, to take care of ourselves, and to live authentically with what is actually happening--not just what our head is telling us.

So, what is your gut telling you?

 

 

Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.

Follow her on Twitter or Facebook for daily inspiration on achieving emotional sobriety.

Find the original post on Psychology Today.

Health and healing is not a linear process.

The path of spiritual and psychological development is not linear. In short, this means that we can toss out the idea that we are supposed to get better and better, day-by-day, eventually reaching a pinnacle of perfection. In reality, development is not only continual, but it is cyclical in nature.

By continual, I mean that we are never finished. It's easy to see that physical fitness isn't something that we "complete." We don't imagine that if we exercise everyday, we will eventually have a perfect body, free of disease and inevitable decay. We don't think that yesterday's yoga class means that we never have to stretch again. But we can feel that way about our mind and spirit--like we should be done already. People bemoan the work it can take to stay mentally and spiritually healthy: "Haven't I done enough therapy, gone to enough meetings, etc.?" The answer is, "No." Not that you need to relentlessly manage your spiritual and emotional path, but you do have to acknowledge that you are still on one. And you will be tomorrow--just like you will need to eat breakfast even though you ate it today.

By cyclical, I mean that we will spiral around the same themes throughout our lives. Our relationship to the themes will change over time, but we don't necessarily conquer them. Personal growth isn't like checking todo items off of a list. We carry who we are from one item to the next, and we stay who we are throughout our entire lives.

An example of cyclical development can be seen when we look at faith. A person's faith waxes and wanes over time. It may become more robust in the long haul, but this usually occurs through a process of spiraling through connection and disconnection. This is because circumstances in life create new learning about what you believe, which in turn informs how you feel and express those beliefs. Depending on where you are in your cyclical process, you might be feeling a lot of faith, or none at all: and neither defines the totality of your experience. They are just markers for where you are at the moment.

Cyclical development does not mean that there isn't growth or change, or that freedom from certain patterns isn't achieved. In fact, it is because we are forever moving into different places in our lives (that are truly new) that the pattern itself is not the same as it was experienced before. Remember the saying by Heraclitus,

    "You cannot step twice into the same river; for other waters are continually flowing in."

We are forever changing just as the waters are changing. So you might be beating yourself up for going through something "again," but chances are it is a more nuanced experience this time around, with more insight then you had before. And, this isn't a static state. Even if you stay put in the river, the water will continue to wash over you, ultimately informing and changing your experience.

One positive aspect of cyclical development is that we don't have to feel bad if we aren't in the "sweet spot" all the time. There are days when you don't want to exercise. It doesn't mean you will never want to exercise again. The same is true with your spiritual and emotional path. You may not feel very connected to your Higher Power, or you may be experiencing some challenging feelings. I invite you to bring great compassion to your process and to trust that the inevitable cycles of life will bring you back to the "sweet spot" of mastery, maturity, or mindfulness once again. In this view, there really are no wrong turns when it comes to emotional sobriety. There is simply a process of returning back to your true self, back to your challenges, and back to another opportunity to redefine them in a more sophisticated and nuanced manner.

 

Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.

Follow her on Twitter or Facebook for daily inspiration on achieving emotional sobriety.

Copyright by Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D., 2011. All rights reserved. Any excerpts reproduced from this article should include links to the original on Psychology Today.

Tips and tricks to save yourself this holiday season.

I've heard from many clients over the years that they have an irrational fear that if they take care of themselves--no one else will. It's as though there is only so much responsibility one can take before they shut the door on connection with others. This post is a friendly reminder that we can take care of ourselves and be vulnerable to others, feel taken care of and be available for it.

This is a particularly important reminder during the holidays. It can feel as though everyone else is enjoying the holiday cheer. We can feel alone and isolated, and self-care becomes more essential than ever. Here are some tips and tricks to rely on all through the year, with some extra pointers to get you through the month of December.

Fail to Plan and You Plan to Fail: This one covers quite a bit of ground. It means that you shouldn't wait for an invite (leaving you all alone on Saturday night). You should make an effort to initiate plans in advance. Even if you can't find someone to pal around with, there are lots of fun things to do and ways that you can engage in festivities by going solo (and perhaps meeting new friends in the process).

Having a plan is also crucial for people who are clean/sober/abstinent. Planning in this regard means that you don't rely on holiday party food to meet your abstinence requirements. Eat a healthy meal before you head out for the evening. The trigger foods being passed around won't feel so tempting and you can enjoy the socializing without obsessing about what you can or can't eat. The same rule applies for beverages: Bring something that you would enjoy to the party. I'm fond of mocktails, or fizzy drinks that look nice in fancy glasses. If you feel like you are taken care of, you won't feel so left out when other guests are enjoying their holiday spritzer.

Lastly, once you have made a plan in advance, taken care of your personal needs and shown up for the party, it's always a good idea to have some back-up and an exit plan. By back-up, I mean that you can let someone know that you are heading to an anxiety-provoking event. Even if your friend can't be with you in person, they can still be your wingman. Ask them to send you texts of encouragement, or let them know that you might be calling them from the bathroom for a little pep talk. We have to lean on one another in times like these! By exit plan, I mean that carpooling with friends can feel like you are held hostage. If you plan your own transportation, it can take the pressure off of attending in the first place, and it's nice to know that you can head out whenever you feel ready.

Pamper Yourself: All of the family and festivities can bring up a lot of emotion and it's good to give yourself some extra love this time of year. If you can afford a spa day, I say go for it! And if that isn't in the budget, there are many ways that you can pamper yourself at home. Give yourself a mani/pedi, cut up some fresh cucumbers and place them on your tired eyes, slather your hair with mayonnaise and wrap it in cellophane, make yourself a homemade sugar scrub, light some candles and take a hot bubble bath, just do something that makes you feel good, and do it often.

Be of Service: This may seem like an odd choice for self-care tips, but the truth is--when you aren't focused on your own misery, you are taking care of yourself. Tis' the season for giving, and being of service is always a moral booster. For those of you who feel anxious at holiday parties, I suggest pinning yourself to the host and asking how you can be helpful. Look around to see what needs to be done or see who else looks a little anxious and introduce yourself. Orienting yourself towards others gets you out of your own head, gives you something to do, and before you know it--you might actually be having a good time!

Showing up for others also includes gift giving. I'm not advocating for the commercialism of it all, but I think that thoughtful homemade gifts can be a joy for the giver and the receiver. Baking cookies for your loved ones or making simple ornaments for your friends gives you something fun to do, and something lovely to give. When was the last time you got lost in some cookie dough and frosting, or spent a couple of hours in the craft store?

The Usual Suspects: Don't forget about all of the self-care you do on a regular basis during the busy holiday season. In fact, you might make a point of doubling your efforts in this regard. Keep up with your exercise, meditation, journaling, 12-Step meetings, making your bed and doing the dishes... all of the maintenance that makes us feel good about ourselves.

I wish you all a very happy holiday season, armed with the knowledge that there is much you can do to make it the best one yet.



Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.

Follow her on Twitter or Facebook for daily inspiration on achieving emotional sobriety.

Copyright by Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D., 2011. All rights reserved. Original post published on Psychology Today.com

How to check in, when you really want to check out.

One of the hallmarks of addiction is using substances or other behaviors to escape what you're feeling. Even in recovery, there are subtle ways that one can escape his or her experience. Perhaps you can identify yourself in these feeling-fleeing strategies:

Distract: "I checked Facebook two minutes ago, but maybe I should check it again."



We surf, tweet, and update ourselves right out of our feelings. The TV is on, the chocolate bar is in hand, and you're "just fine, thank you." If you are refreshing your e-mail every ten minutes and the only thing you're waiting for is the next group discount, chances are you are avoiding something.

Debate: "I have thought it through and come to the conclusion that it is for the best."



This is good ole' fashioned intellectualization--where you revert to what you think rather than what you feel. We can talk ourselves right out of our feelings, and we can be very convincing. We rationalize that we don't actually have to feel what's going on because there is nothing we can do about it, it is what it is, and that is that. So, what's for dinner?

Denial: "I have no idea what you are talking about."



This one isn't so obvious because your head is truly in the sand. You might identify denial in your life if everything is "Great," but upon further investigation you feel depressed, lethargic, headaches, and you are saying "It's all good" through gritted teeth.

Devotion: "If I pray the right prayer in the right way, or if I meditate long enough; all my problems will be solved."

Using spiritual practices to try and transcend the human condition is more about checking out then checking in. This is called spiritual bypass and it's another seductive way that we can escape from what is happening in the present moment.

So, what do we do?

Ask yourself, "if I was able to feel my feelings, what would I feel?" Sometimes, just giving yourself permission will conjure up some truth. Or, write on the top of a blank page: "If I wasn't afraid to feel my feelings, what would I be feeling right now?" Then keep the pen moving across the paper without stopping. Even if all you write is "bla bla bla ..." just keep writing. See if you reach a threshold where something authentic pops up.

However you check in with yourself, remember the saying: "feelings aren't facts." This doesn't mean that your feelings aren't genuine. It means that they will pass. I promise, you won't feel this way forever. It also means that your feelings do not define you. They are transitory, like the clouds gliding through the sky.

Lastly, remember that it is human nature to check out, and to use all sorts of strategies to do so. I'm not suggesting that you be hyper-conscious all the time. I don't believe that is even possible. But I do believe in seeking balance and asking questions of ourselves about the extent to which we are checking out. Raising awareness by just one degree can be a total game changer. Did you know that if you were flying a straight line from New York to the west coast, one degree of difference would land you in either Los Angeles or San Francisco?

So, what are you feeling anyway?
Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.

Having a vision is a powerful tool. It means that you are honoring your goals, aspiring towards them, and taking risks to expand your horizons. But sometimes our visions for ourselves subtly turn into tunnel vision. We can't see anything that contradicts our intentions and desires. We get selective perception, which limits our ability to remain open and to see things clearly. Instead of being present to our reality, we put the blinders on and barrel ahead towards our hopes and dreams.
 
There is a shadow side to almost every positive thing we can do for ourselves, including having a vision. All spiritual and psychological tools can be used in a "willful" way. For example, sometimes self-care is actually about taking care of ourselves: unplugging from too much work and plugging into more balance and harmony. But sometimes, under the guise of self-care, we are really just checking out: denying what's happening and how scary it feels to show up for it. So, how do we know the difference?
 
One red flag is the tension that usually crops up when we are stuck in the tunnel. It takes a lot of effort to keep the blinders on. For me, the tension often shows up in the form of a headache. For others, there might be similar physical cues such as stomach or backaches, getting sick, or feeling lethargic. Some people find themselves to be more irritable or short tempered. When we aren't looking at the big picture of our reality, our emotional bandwidth tends to shrink. This happens because everything becomes limited in the tunnel, not just our vision. I don't know about you, but when I'm stuck in a tunnel, I can get a little cranky. What are your personal cues that suggest you might be denying aspects of your reality?
 
Of course, there are reasons that we aren't looking at the big picture. Many of them boil down to fear. "What if I leave this relationship and I'm alone forever?" "What if I open this piece of mail and find out that I owe more money then I have in the bank?" "What if I take this day-job and I never get to work professionally in the job of my dreams?" Our response to these fears can be "No thanks, I'll stay here in the tunnel, where it feels safe." And then we clamp down, even harder.
 
If you are still with me on this tunnel metaphor, here is where it gets good. I grew up in Colorado where there are some amazing tunnels going straight through the mountains. Perhaps you have driven through one yourself, or you can imagine it right now. You move from a cold and dark, fear-filled tin can, out into a picture postcard. Let that experience be your teacher and your inspiration. When we move through small and contained ideas of what we think we want, what we think will make us happy, and what we think will keep us safe, we are brought to extraordinary and expansive beauty. It's truly breathtaking. Removing the blinders is like seeing in color for the first time. Tunnel vision is rigid and constraining, while remaining open is fluid and liberating.
 
Ultimately, moving out of the tunnel is about finding clarity, even if it feels terrifying. At least it is true. And reality begets more reality, and the opportunity to make it the best reality you can. I'm not saying that you have to give up on the dream, but you do have to face what is actually going on instead of living in a fantasy. Keep showing up for the life you are envisioning, but do it by starting from where you actually are. 
 
I'd love to hear how have you have moved through your own tunnels in life. How did you get stuck, and what enabled you to move through? What did you discover when you surrendered your vision? I know that oftentimes people find a "picture postcard" that they never would have if they held on to that tin can they used to believe was the shiniest and most precious thing they ever could have wished for.

Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.
 
Follow her on Twitter or Facebook for daily inspiration on achieving emotional sobriety.

Copyright by Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D., 2011. All rights reserved.

We've all received countless messages throughout our lives telling us that the goal is to be somebody.  It's the American Dream.  We get it from the media, from our families and our friends.  So many of us have aligned ourselves with a particular track that provides assurance that we will be somebody, get somewhere--and hopefully be afforded immunity from trouble, despair, or vulnerability in the process.
 
Of course there is nothing wrong with having goals or plans.  In fact, these are rather good things.  It's when we use these aspirations to try to overcome ourselves that it gets tricky.  So far as I know, we can't out-run our own feet. We can't out-think our own brains. We can't override this human operating system that we live and breath in every hour of every day.  I know this, because I've tried.
 
I have spent at least half of my life obtaining 3 college degrees, going on meditation retreats, taking yoga classes, trying to eat healthfully, following my spiritual path, writing a book, starting a private practice and after all of this--I discovered that I am still ME.  This may not seem very shocking to you, but I have to admit it was sort of a revelation!  Wasn't I going to leave some of my neurosis back there on that meditation cushion, or in a downward dog, or in a journal entry, or on my therapist's couch?  Even though I love my life and feel as though I am on the right path, I have been pursuing these things with the idea that someday I would be better.
 
Many of my clients in psychotherapy have a similar story to tell ... Maybe if I was thin, pretty, enlightened, funny, smart, had a boyfriend/girlfriend, was richer, less anxious, less fearful, less of ME then I would be happy: forever.  Individuals in recovery can be especially susceptible to this booby trap, for after all, the inner feel-good junkie doesn't surrender that easily.
 
I often tell my clients that I wish I had a magic wand that could be waved over all of our heads, rendering us free from the entanglements that life brings. But I don't have such magical powers. And the strange thing is that somewhere along the way I have started to recognize that this is actually a blessing. Having such powers (and using them to this aim) would mean that I have bought into the crazy idea that each and every one of us is damaged goods.  That we need to change.  That we aren't good enough.  That we can't manage whatever is happening in our lives. And I don't want to buy into that story.  I want Thomas Merton's idea that the best I can do is to be the best version of me--in all my imperfect glory.  Here is one of my favorite quotes by him:
 
"Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself."

I want to love all my mistakes, all my blemishes, and all my fears.  They are the very things that propel me forward, keep it interesting, and most importantly connect me to you.  They are integral aspects of who I am.  What I really long for, is integrity (integration and wholeness) and I can only achieve that by reading the whole story, not by skipping to the finish line where I finally arrive somewhere (whatever that means).
 
I hope that you might step into the fullness of who you already are today. No matter what your life looks like, or what you wish it could be. Pause and take a deep breath and find one thing you are grateful for about this circumstance, this moment, and your relationship to it. Remember that there is no one else exactly like you. I believe that is an amazingly wonderful gift worth celebrating. We may not have a magic wand that provides the ability to transcend the human condition, but maybe that's the real magic--learning how to live within the mystery, within the chaos, within the ever-unfolding version of yourself that simultaneously remains uniquely, irreplaceably, You.

Ingrid Mathieu, PhD is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.

What is Emotional Sobriety?
 
Some might think that it means being "happy, joyous, and free," a common adage in 12-Step meetings, taken from AA literature.  Of course, people like this definition. It means that if they work a good program, they will achieve physical sobriety (abstinence) and become happy in the process.
 
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this definition puts a lot of recovering people in a tough spot.  For example, what does it say about a person's emotional sobriety if they are having a hard time? What if they are afraid, anxious, sad, angry, confused ... the list can go on and on. Does this mean that they aren't emotionally sober?
 
I believe that emotional sobriety is less about the quality of the feeling ("good" or "bad") and more about the general ability to feel one's feelings. Someone recently said that being restored to sanity isn't about getting the brass ring--or cash and prizes--or being "happy, joyous, and free," but it is about being in the present moment, whatever it happens to look like.  What are you experiencing right now?  And how about now?  Can you be present to all of your feelings without any one of them defining you?
 
Sometimes emotional sobriety is about tolerating what you are feeling.  It is about staying sober no matter what you are feeling.  It means that you don't have to blame yourself or your program because life can be challenging. It means that you don't necessarily need to do something to make the feeling go away.  Many people will take their bad feeling and try to pray it, meditate it, service it, spiritually distract themselves from it, thinking that this means they are working a good program. This experience is actually called spiritual bypass.
 
John Welwood coined the term spiritual bypass and defined it as "using spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep personal, emotional 'un-finished business,' to shore up a shaky sense of self, or to belittle basic needs, feelings, and developmental tasks, all in the name of enlightenment." The shorthand for spiritual bypass is when a person wears a mask or presents a false spiritual self that represses aspects of that person's true self. Spiritual bypass involves bolstering our defenses rather than our humility. Bypass involves grasping rather than gratitude, arriving rather than being, avoiding rather than accepting.
 
I am forever interested in how mind, body, and spirit interact for people in recovery and how the "ism" (alcoholism) is always trying to steal the show.  "Ism" doesn't want you to acknowledge that you are scared, ashamed, lost, or angry.  And let's face it, some people in recovery don't want you to acknowledge that either.  Because then they would have to look at that stuff (and feel it), and they just might not be ready.  So spiritual bypass becomes a tool for working a spiritual program that is really in service of controlling obstacles and outcomes. It provides the illusion that the addict can still manage their feelings even though they aren't using their drug of choice.
 
In my own spiritual journey, I have experienced spiritual bypass many times. As a defense mechanism, we are all susceptible to this unconscious drive to protect ourselves from our painful realities. And using spirituality as a defense certainly looks a lot better than using drugs or alcohol. But it is a defense mechanism nonetheless and most people in recovery want the ability to access all of their feelings, because being present to what is real is what enables choices, and choices propel people towards their most authentic and fulfilling sober life.
 
I have spent a great deal of time studying and researching the experience of spiritual bypass in 12-Step recovery. I've written a book called Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice that goes into great depth on this topic. Every person in recovery who I have interviewed or worked with in my psychotherapy practice has gained tremendous insight by looking at their own experiences of spiritual bypass and I hope that you will gain similar results. If nothing else, give yourself permission to feel all of your feelings. Know that we don't have the sort of surgical precision to only feel the feelings that we enjoy. Happiness might be sitting right next to regret, elated might be right next to overwhelmed. That is just the human condition. And experiencing all of our feelings is true emotional sobriety.


Ingrid Mathieu, PhD is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.