As a social scientist, I have a lot of knowledge about the short and long-term consequences of substance use, whether alcohol, drugs, or nicotine, during adolescence. As the father of a 14 year old daughter, I frequently don't know how to help her navigate the social realities of high school with my stated hope that she will abstain from using (even "experimentally") harmful substances. If my daughter is accurate, (and current research seems to support her claims) that nearly every high school student she knows smokes pot, albeit with differing regularity, then using illegal substances is normative. Those who aren't using are considered abnormal. The father in me wants to give her (what I know deep down to be) easy solutions that are cliché: "Be true to you"; "Doing what's right isn't often popular" or the old standby, "If someone told you to jump off a bridge...." If I take a moment to shed my adult self and reach into my memory of my teenage years, or if not that, suspend my judging mind long enough to so that I can empathize with her, I understand that her safety isn't so simple within the context of adolescence.
I admire my daughter. At 14, she has a firmer sense of who she is than I did at that age. She is academically gifted and more importantly she works hard and sets high standards for herself (sometimes too high in my opinion). She is also a social being, and wants social status and a sense of belonging. What if, based on the norms of her high school, popularity and social status involves partying and using substances? The reality is that for my daughter, and for many high school students there will be certain social costs should they choose to abstain from substances. I wish I could deny this. I wish her social milieu as well as her social needs were as simple and innocent as they were in elementary school, but they aren't. The most I can do is to keep an honest dialogue between us. It requires that I have an empathic appreciation of her attempts to manage the complexities and tensions between selfhood and belonging to a group; between being an 'I' and a 'We'. It is important however that parents check in to be certain that their teenage son or daughter doesn't confuse empathy with tacit approval as teens are likely to do. Whether I am in the role of therapist or parent, I am unequivocal that I do not approve of any use of illicit substances, and I counsel parents to do the same. It is very easy to cross the line from empathizing to identifying with our children. Empathy has been defined as the ability to stand in someone else's shoes so that we can appreciate a perspective, it doesn't mean we have to live there. So, while I can empathize with the competing and conflicting pressures on my daughter, I am clear about my values. Research has found that parental attitudes about substance use play a very prominent role in their children's use and the number one reason that adolescents avoid substances is the desire to not disappoint their parents."
As parents, we have to be honest and acknowledge that substance use and other risky behaviors are part of our children's social milieu and that they may, on occasion, shortchange themselves for the approval and acceptance of others. When and if they do, I advise parents to separate the behavior from the person that is their child, and that appropriate, corresponding consequences show follow including parents sharing their disappointment in the choice. Teenagers sometimes need face-saving ways to refuse the offer of substances, and I have repeatedly told my daughter that she can refuse by saying that her father is such an ogre that he has her take a breathalyzer test or a drug screen when she returns home.
Conversely, we need to be prepared that our children may experience loneliness, isolation, or rejection should they decline to embrace the activities that define who's "in". My job as a father is to be there for my daughter. My job as a social scientist is to raise awareness that substance use during adolescence is a serious public health issue with numerous negative, and often tragic, consequences. Similar to the public health movement that confronted the cigarette companies and their marketing machines, professionals and parents need to initiate a larger discourse that challenges the social artifact that substance use is an acceptable rite of passage for teenagers.
I admire my daughter. At 14, she has a firmer sense of who she is than I did at that age. She is academically gifted and more importantly she works hard and sets high standards for herself (sometimes too high in my opinion). She is also a social being, and wants social status and a sense of belonging. What if, based on the norms of her high school, popularity and social status involves partying and using substances? The reality is that for my daughter, and for many high school students there will be certain social costs should they choose to abstain from substances. I wish I could deny this. I wish her social milieu as well as her social needs were as simple and innocent as they were in elementary school, but they aren't. The most I can do is to keep an honest dialogue between us. It requires that I have an empathic appreciation of her attempts to manage the complexities and tensions between selfhood and belonging to a group; between being an 'I' and a 'We'. It is important however that parents check in to be certain that their teenage son or daughter doesn't confuse empathy with tacit approval as teens are likely to do. Whether I am in the role of therapist or parent, I am unequivocal that I do not approve of any use of illicit substances, and I counsel parents to do the same. It is very easy to cross the line from empathizing to identifying with our children. Empathy has been defined as the ability to stand in someone else's shoes so that we can appreciate a perspective, it doesn't mean we have to live there. So, while I can empathize with the competing and conflicting pressures on my daughter, I am clear about my values. Research has found that parental attitudes about substance use play a very prominent role in their children's use and the number one reason that adolescents avoid substances is the desire to not disappoint their parents."
As parents, we have to be honest and acknowledge that substance use and other risky behaviors are part of our children's social milieu and that they may, on occasion, shortchange themselves for the approval and acceptance of others. When and if they do, I advise parents to separate the behavior from the person that is their child, and that appropriate, corresponding consequences show follow including parents sharing their disappointment in the choice. Teenagers sometimes need face-saving ways to refuse the offer of substances, and I have repeatedly told my daughter that she can refuse by saying that her father is such an ogre that he has her take a breathalyzer test or a drug screen when she returns home.
Conversely, we need to be prepared that our children may experience loneliness, isolation, or rejection should they decline to embrace the activities that define who's "in". My job as a father is to be there for my daughter. My job as a social scientist is to raise awareness that substance use during adolescence is a serious public health issue with numerous negative, and often tragic, consequences. Similar to the public health movement that confronted the cigarette companies and their marketing machines, professionals and parents need to initiate a larger discourse that challenges the social artifact that substance use is an acceptable rite of passage for teenagers.
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